The Importance of Knees

Silly title I know, but I like silly titles. I also like my knees, they are very useful and serve many noble purposes but until two nights ago, I was unaware of the most noble one.

After a long and tiring day (some day I hope to not keep using those words in conjunction with school) at the hospital I come home around 11pm and dragged myself downstairs to my room, and got ready for bed. But instead of crawling into bed after I turn the lights off, I felt this pressing need to kneel beside my bed before I got in. At this point I was kinda 'prayed-out', not that I think there is such a thing, but I was out of words. So I just knelt and thanked God for the day, it really was a great day since I had spent it with the creator of the universe. Not every day you get to say that...oh wait, yes we can!

I think there was something deep stirred inside of me when I knelt, I am not sure exactly what happened, but it was a powerful, solid shift in the way I want to offer up my prayers. Granted I can't kneel in my car which is where I pray in the mornings, but I can end my day by humbly entering in my King's presence. See, I have not been sleeping well for quite a while now, my brain simply can't unwind and it wants to process everything which is just too much. After talking with some friends about this, they suggested that I change my patterns before bed to make God the last thing on my mind. So I did pray about it but then continued to do what I always did, until Tuesday. God intervened on my behalf and is showing me how to do that. How great is that? He really does show us the way we should live, knees to the floor and hearts in his hands.

The Pursuit of Pursuing

Honestly, do professors have nothing better to do than sit around and think of the most ridiculous schedules they can inflict on their students? 8 hours of lecture and then trudging over to the hospital to get your assingment (which takes almost 2 hours to do all the paper work) for the next two days of 7 hours clinicals is my idea of a great Monday... yeah. not so much.

Since I was sick this weekend, I did not get my usual things done, organized, and mentally rested/prepared for the week to come. Plus, I missed work and church. I really dislike starting the week off feeling I am already behind. Maybe that's why I am irritated, or maybe I am still upset that I had to park down and across the street since WSU had blocked off half of the parking lot in front of Ahlberg (for those that don't understand what a travesty this is ask me about parking at WSU sometime). But I realized something today. I have a goal to be a nurse, and I am pursuing it. I was thinking about what it takes to pursue something. It takes endurance to make it to the end, patience to deal with the side paths taken (willingly or unwillingly), perspective to 'see' the goal when it is not visible, faith to stumble along when its dark, and humility to realize you can't do it on your own.

I get on a path of grumbling when I don't like the classes I have to be in, on another path of self-pity/self-loathing when I don't get things right the first time, and on yet another path of questioning if I was even on the right path to start the pursuit in the first place! So I declared today that I would begin to ask God to show me the way he has chosen and to get off my own little circular paths, becuase if I really believe that he is who he says he is, then what's my problem? Oh, yeah I am human and I wear out.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
-Isaiah 48:28-31

Pharaoh comes for a visit

I can't even remember the last time I was sick. But yesterday starting at 1:30 am reminded me. I had never heard the expression 'did you do the pharaoh?' until some friends who had been overseas told me. Well, I did the pharaoh, and I would very much like to not do it again. For those of you who don't know what the pharaoh is, let me enlighten you. Its when you have stuff coming out both ends and the same time. yuck. Anyways, I am done with the vomiting and hopefully after following the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) I should eliminate the diarrhea. In the mean time, my temperature is returning to normal andmy youngest brother is sick so now I get to take care of him.

I don't write this just to share that I am sick. As always God is teaching me something. I don't like being sick, not even a little bit, because it makes me weak, and I have issues with being weak. I was so weak yesterday I had to ask my mom to help me walk the twenty feet or so from my bedroom to the couch downstairs so I could watch TV, which I did for the next 10 hours. Thank you CSI New York for being a marathon and filling my day. I am learning that in being weak, physically, mentally or emotionally, I have to lean on God even more. That is what I want, to lean into him, but why does it have to come with being weak? I already know the answer to that, but it is hard for my brain to wrap around. His grace is sufficient for me and his power is made perfect in my weakness. I never thought I would want a life of being weak, but I am starting to see how being strong isnt always the best way. It is nice to let someone help me and lead the way to the couch of recovery and rest.

My AA meeting??

For my Mental Health class this semester, my fellow nurses-to-be and I will need to attend an AA meeting to see what it is like. I haven't picked a date out but I will soon and I will update everyone on how this goes.

My real reason for writing this post is to parallel my soon to be AA meeting with my weekly bible study. I love my group of girls, I look forward to going and sharing with them each week. After taking Mental Health orientation and reflecting on my little knowledge of what AA meetings are, I began to see that my bible study nights are my personal AA meetings. I am addicted to Christ, the world sees that as a problem, so I need support. Unlike in AA, I will not 'recover' from my addiction, if anything I pray it gets worse! One can only hope :)

Painted Skies

Last Friday as I drove home from Minnesota after five wonderful days of visiting some friends, I could not help myself as I got my camera out and snapped a few shots of the gorgeous sky before me. The Lord had painted the sky so beautifully that day as if it were just for me. I had a lot of things on my mind, but mostly I was thinking about what kind of life God has planned for me. I know he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, he plans to give me a hope and a future...but no where in that verse does it say that I get to know these plans right away! And that tends to be my problem, I want to know his plans now not later. Yet, at the same time I know his timing truly is perfect and cannot be rushed even if I desperately want to know now!

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I do reflect over the past year and look forward to what is ahead in the new year and try to think of things I want to accomplish, and see changed in my life. Since I am a slight perfectionist, my list is usually very long, but this year I simplified:

1. To love my God
2. To be loved by my God
3. To know my God
4. To share my God

I have a hundred more goals but I think they all fit nicely into those four areas. 2008 was a most difficult year and I don't know what 2009 will hold, but I do know that I will not live one day outside His love, His will or His presence. I may not feel those things, but I believe deep in my heart what it says in Romans 8:38. I pray that we all will come to a deeper realization of how true that is, nothing can separate us from God's love. Even a simple gesture of painting the sky shows me that my Father knows how to love me perfectly and knows what I need even before I need it. Now that is worthy of the word 'awesome'.