Pharaoh comes for a visit

I can't even remember the last time I was sick. But yesterday starting at 1:30 am reminded me. I had never heard the expression 'did you do the pharaoh?' until some friends who had been overseas told me. Well, I did the pharaoh, and I would very much like to not do it again. For those of you who don't know what the pharaoh is, let me enlighten you. Its when you have stuff coming out both ends and the same time. yuck. Anyways, I am done with the vomiting and hopefully after following the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) I should eliminate the diarrhea. In the mean time, my temperature is returning to normal andmy youngest brother is sick so now I get to take care of him.

I don't write this just to share that I am sick. As always God is teaching me something. I don't like being sick, not even a little bit, because it makes me weak, and I have issues with being weak. I was so weak yesterday I had to ask my mom to help me walk the twenty feet or so from my bedroom to the couch downstairs so I could watch TV, which I did for the next 10 hours. Thank you CSI New York for being a marathon and filling my day. I am learning that in being weak, physically, mentally or emotionally, I have to lean on God even more. That is what I want, to lean into him, but why does it have to come with being weak? I already know the answer to that, but it is hard for my brain to wrap around. His grace is sufficient for me and his power is made perfect in my weakness. I never thought I would want a life of being weak, but I am starting to see how being strong isnt always the best way. It is nice to let someone help me and lead the way to the couch of recovery and rest.

My AA meeting??

For my Mental Health class this semester, my fellow nurses-to-be and I will need to attend an AA meeting to see what it is like. I haven't picked a date out but I will soon and I will update everyone on how this goes.

My real reason for writing this post is to parallel my soon to be AA meeting with my weekly bible study. I love my group of girls, I look forward to going and sharing with them each week. After taking Mental Health orientation and reflecting on my little knowledge of what AA meetings are, I began to see that my bible study nights are my personal AA meetings. I am addicted to Christ, the world sees that as a problem, so I need support. Unlike in AA, I will not 'recover' from my addiction, if anything I pray it gets worse! One can only hope :)

Painted Skies

Last Friday as I drove home from Minnesota after five wonderful days of visiting some friends, I could not help myself as I got my camera out and snapped a few shots of the gorgeous sky before me. The Lord had painted the sky so beautifully that day as if it were just for me. I had a lot of things on my mind, but mostly I was thinking about what kind of life God has planned for me. I know he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, he plans to give me a hope and a future...but no where in that verse does it say that I get to know these plans right away! And that tends to be my problem, I want to know his plans now not later. Yet, at the same time I know his timing truly is perfect and cannot be rushed even if I desperately want to know now!

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I do reflect over the past year and look forward to what is ahead in the new year and try to think of things I want to accomplish, and see changed in my life. Since I am a slight perfectionist, my list is usually very long, but this year I simplified:

1. To love my God
2. To be loved by my God
3. To know my God
4. To share my God

I have a hundred more goals but I think they all fit nicely into those four areas. 2008 was a most difficult year and I don't know what 2009 will hold, but I do know that I will not live one day outside His love, His will or His presence. I may not feel those things, but I believe deep in my heart what it says in Romans 8:38. I pray that we all will come to a deeper realization of how true that is, nothing can separate us from God's love. Even a simple gesture of painting the sky shows me that my Father knows how to love me perfectly and knows what I need even before I need it. Now that is worthy of the word 'awesome'.

...My hands are holding you...

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

Song: By Your Side

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

I heard this song on the radio and wow did it touch my heart! This is God's song to all of us.

Getting used to things

So it has been over a month since I logged on here, I am still figuring this whole blog thing out, it took a few tries to finally remember my password. When I logged on, sadly no one had been to my page, but then I realized that I haven't told anyone I even have a blog! Maybe it's a slight case of anxiety, I tend to lean on the side that says no one will read what I write or they will make fun of me! But my friends wouldn't do that (and if you were thinking about it, you shouldn't!). But mostly no one knows about it becuase I have been busy and haven't spread the word. So if you are reading this, thanks for checking it out.

A lot can happen in a month. Major life changes take place leaving you feeling like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Learning to stand again has been taking a longer, slower path than I really care for most days. But I know its where God wants me. I have been reading one of my favorite books, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I want to share a little bit on here for two reasons, 1. it expresses how I feel and I think how many of my friends feel/have felt and 2. hopefully you will read the book for yourself. The Shepherd has promised to take Much-Afraid to the High Places where her legs will no longer be crooked and she will be beautiful, but after a while into her journey, she sees the path leading away from the mountains...

He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there." "Oh, no," she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."

"No," said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." Much-Afraid felt as though he had stabbed her to the heart. "You mean," she said incredulously, "you really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why" (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice) "it may be months, even years, before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepherd, do you mean it is indefinite postponement?"

He bowed his head silently, and Much-Afraid sank on her knees at his feet, almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her heart's desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. As she looked out over what seemed an endless desert, the only path she could see led farther and farther away from the High Places, and it was all desert.

Then he answered very quietly, "Much-Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and go down there with me into the desert?" She was still crouching at his feet, sobbing as if her heart would break, but now she looked up through her tears, caught his hand in hers, and said, trembling, "I do love you, you know that I love you. Oh, forgive me because I can't help my tears. I will go down with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it. Even if you cannot tell me why it has to be, I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please."

I can't express to you how much this book has helped me time and time again, no matter what my circumstances have been. It gives me perspective and renews my desire to continue on the journey like Much-Afraid becuase we get the same promise she does when we reach the High Places, we will be exactly as God has seen us all along, beautiful and dearly loved.

This is getting long and I should be studying for my last two finals tomorrow, so I have procrastinated long enough :)